The Utterly Awkwardness of Yours Truly
by Silence Sylver
Summary: I'm Sandra. My best friend is Joe, the Giant Squid. We  hate the color pink, flowers, & creepy zombies. Now I will rule the world with an army of penguins!    Everything was going right until... the stupid marauders. Then everything went wrong. Sigh.
1. In which I experience thoughts

My name is Sandra Lolita Andes. The sweetest girl ever. Here's the thing. When the other girls learned how to win boys I discovered the wonders of a hairbrush. In other words I'm a social reject. My best friend, Joe, the Giant Squid, is misunderstood like me.

I'm not even that ugly. Just visualize this.

A petite girl with silky dark curls that framed her creamy face. Her midnight blue eyes glowed with laughter.

Don't I sound just lovely? Yet I only have one good friend. Most of the girls in my year stink anyway. Pretty Miss Perfect (aka Lily Evans) is a prissy girl who's obsessed with herself to notice James really likes her. A lot. She sucks up to teachers and believes in becoming a nun and good grade. Horrible right?

Then there's The Happy One, Alice Prewitt. She's so giddy and cheerful and _bloody annoying!_ She's such a whiney baby and pretends to be sensitive. Whenever she doesn't get what she wants she cries until the victim feels guilty. She's going to take over the world with tears and smiles. I know. Creep.

Let us not forget Pinky Binky or in other words Charlotte. She wears so much pink it's scary. She's really scary too. She's a total tomboy that wears pink. She tells us she isn't girly and she doesn't know what make up is even though she wears a cake of it every morning. I know. Typical.

These are the popular gossip girls of our year. The girls bathroom on the sixth floor is their Gossip Central. There other suck up girls try to win them over by doing them favors. The other popular group is the Marauders. They're obsessed with Pranking and Quidditch. Let us start with the group leaders shall we?

There's James Potter, I prefer to call him The Nutty Vase. He's nutty because he spends half his life stalking Lily (he even knows her favorite shirt brand) and Vase because its like Lilies in a vase. Get it? No. Oh well. He's Quidditch captain and he loves to brag. I have to agree with Pretty Miss Perfect on this one. He really is an arrogant toe rag. I feel sorry for him though. I don't know _why _he likes _her_ but I know he really means it.

Then there's Sir. Eat-a-lot. Loves pranking and eating more then The Nutty Vase too. Those two are practically brothers. I wonder if I hit one of them will the other feel it too? Maybe I should try it one day. He has a new girl on his arm every week. Of course he's currently going strong with Pinky Binky but that's only because he doesn't know she's cheating on him with Mr. Idiot (Argon Nott) so yeah. Dramatic anyone?

Then there's Remus Lupin (Santa's Good Elf). He's like all into good grades and stuff. Did I mention he's a super ultra creepy werewolf? I figured out in my first year. The Marauders didn't figure that out until third year. Unlike the others he actually knows my name. Thank you.

They're all the most popular kids in Hogwarts. Oh lookie it's a butterfly.

I think that's a torture device.

No not the butterfly.

The stairs.

The evil stairs.

They grab me and toss me down.

Yes indeed it is a torture device.

Now I shall attempt to challenge it.

Wish me luck.

I don't have any luck.

So you have to wish me it.

Or else.

Or else what?

Or else I'll eat you.

I am too a cannibal

You don't believe me.

How rude!

Are you trying to say you don't trust me!

I wouldn't trust me either.

I forgive you.

See how kind I am.

Sigh.

Oh yeah I'm about to challenge the Torture device.

Here I go.

I step carefully on The Torture Device. I haven't fallen yet. Hooray! I take another step. Then I fall. Ouch. The common room erupts in laughter.

I know you're laughing too.

Stop laughing.

**Please review. Pretty Please. With cherries on top. Come on it's for our awesome main character.**

**Sandra: Why do **_**they **_**need to know my story? It's mines you know.**

**Lady Tia Malfoy: So they can Review**

**Sandra: Oh. Do I get paid?**

**Lady Tia Malfoy: Um sure. Whatever you want. (nervously laughing)**


	2. Flee of Fight, Mommy Dearest?

**Disclaimer: I got a bagel. JK Rowling got a story. Let's trade. No? Oh well. Harry Potter, Marauders and Hogwarts belongs to JK Rowling. For now.**

You didn't wish me luck.

How could you.

I trusted you.

I'm hungry.

I wonder what's for dinner.

Yum.

I can just imagine steak, ribs, bacon, and cheese.

I'm a carnivore, alright.

Plus I'm a cannibal

Oh look you're being guided out.

Oh my gosh! Who was that!

Me, your mind.

Do you have a name?

Yes.

What is it?

FMindConRHD34JK

What sort of name is that!

It's more of an ID number.

You need a new name.

I don't think so.

I do.

So?

I name you, Cynthia!

Forget it!

I'm your boss though.

Touché

What does that mean?

Never mind.

OK…

Remember, someone's guiding you somewhere?

Oh who then?

Remus Lupin.

OMG! Really?

I never thought you were a fan girl.

I am not.

Why excited then?

Are you kidding me? Cause he's a marauder. Duh.

So you are a fan girl.

Naah. I'm scared of them!

Why?

You're my bloody mind. You should know.

I'm new at this.

Ah.

So why then?

A werewolf is dragging me to a unknown place.

Are you scared of Remus.

Nope. He's just Remmy.

Remmy?

Try saying it. Remmy, Remmy, Remmy.

Well it is fun…

Exactly.

Back to real life deary.

OK Cynthia.

I don't like that name!

Oh well.

I blink up into Remus's face. "Hello, there," Remus greeted me, "Alright?" "Perfectly bloody fine," I grumble. "That's encouraging," He grinned. I stare at him, mouth wide open. "Are you serious!" I ask, "I thought you're the one with the brain."

"Ever heard of sarcasm?" Remus laughed. "Um… No," I stammer. He opens his eyes wide. "Are you serious!" He asked disbelievingly. "No, that's your best mate." I explain.

He rolls his eyes.

I always wonder how you do that.

Just roll ém.

It isn't that simple Cynthia!

Um… yeah it is…

Nuh uh

Uh huh

Nuh uh

Shut up, Sandra!

You can't boss me around, Cynthia! I'm your boss….

So can I change the name?

Nope.

Why not Emma or Kara

Boring.

Your name is boring too…

Don't sass me young lady!

Where'd you get that?

Mommy dear.

How come everyone in your family, but you, has weird names, like me?

What you mean?

Your Mother's name is Amaryllis. Your Father's name is Arturo. Your elder brother's name is Demur. Your sister's names are Belladonna & Ellsinore. How much more crazy can you get!

Well, if I start juggling steaks while balancing a hot pink penguin on my nose…

Sigh.

Wait a second! You said you were new at this! How do you know all that then?

Just cause I'm new doesn't mean I wasn't forced to read piles and piles of boring old family history and other worthless junk.

Humph. My family history is lovely.

Really? So you know it all then?

Yuppedoodles.

Then who started the line of the Ebony's?

Umm… Well… You see… It was Sir Penguinorth and Lady Penguinilla.

No… It wasn't.

Gimme another question! One more closer to this century please.

Alright. What kid in Hogwarts is related to you.

My cousin Penguininea.

No, Sirius Black.

"Aaaaah!" I screamed, "Sir Eat-a-lot is gonna kill me!" Then I realize Remus Loopy has been shaking me the last twenty or so minutes. "Were you having a daymare?" He asked, barely containing his laughter. I shoot him a dirty look.

A look so dirty my stylish worn out hand-me-down looks less gorgeous.

So dirty that my penguin army runs in fear.

So dirty, my arch enemy, the polar bear, screams in a girlish way.

For some reason, Remus Loopy bursts out laughing, in fear?

I suppose he lets out his horror filled screams in laughter.

No. I think he's laughing at the patheticness of your dirty look.

Well, WHAT DID IT LOOOK LIKE THEN !

Like a person who really needs to use the bathroom but there's a kid standing before them in line so instead of glaring the person wheezes "Get out of my way,"in a weird tone.

Was not!

Was too! And by the way, you never answered that question of mines.

Huh?

Why is your name, Sandra?

Cause Mommy dear, made it so.

No, why Sandra compared to all the other names.

Cause when I was born, I was as sandy as snow!

That isn't possible.

Yah it is! I'm proof you, know.

Really, Sandra, answer truthfully.

Mommy dear gave a hideous name. I nicknamed myself Sandra.

Ah. By the way, Remus Lupin is holding a bottle of water.

So?

Do you suddenly feel cold and wet?

Oh my gosh he splashed me!

Tell him that.

"I'm wet," I inform him. "How interesting," Remus said.

Oh Sandra?

Yes, Cynthia.

I was lying about that whole you're-related-to-Sirius-Black thing.

Yay!

You're actually related to James Potter.

"The Nutty Vase is gonna eat me!" I scream. "What do you mean?" Remus wondered. "The…Nutty…Vase…is…GONNA EAT ME!" I replied as cool and calm as always.

"Who's this Nutty Vase," He asked slowly. "He's right behind you," I scream in pure horror. "I'm Nutty Vase," James Potter asks.

Mommy dear, always says, "In face of a problem flee or fight."

I'm gonna fight.

Oooh how scary…

Shut up, Cynthia!

I bear out my fingers in claw shape. "Growl!" I snarl, "Sandra is being possessed by Bellatrix Black! Mind tell me where my lovely cousin is. I so want to play with Cousin Siri."

The Nutty Vase and Remus Loopy screamed like girls and ran trying to find their girlfriend, Sir-Eat-a-lot.

They're so going to get you for that.

I know, Cynthia.

So this time I choose flee.

**Thanks for Reviewing! Keeps me writing anyway. Please Please review! I refuse to write until I get a review in this chapter. Well I don't but Sandra does. Sorry for that.**

**Sandra: I still think that the dirty look scared the life outta him.**

**Lady Tia Malfoy: Cynthia doesn't agree.**

**Sandra: Grumble.**

**Here's a sneak peek to the next chapter!**

_**"I'll even marry you!" Sirius begged, "Anything!"**_

__

_**Look he proposed to you.**_

__

_**Cynthia. I think he's crazy.**_

__

_**I know he's crazy.**_

__

_**Are you a brainbot?**_

__

_**Excuse me!**_

__

**That's all from the wonderful Sandra and her army of penguins.**


	3. Polar Bear Dude and Penguin Gal

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter story but I am willing to eat a chocolate less pink cupcake that's not chocolate for it. Now that's a serious sacrifice.**

"I'm scared," I state.

"Why?" Mrs. Plum inquires with the gooey surgarness of something that's way to sweet and like is bad for your teeth.

"That pink will dominate the world." I reply with the sweetness of mud burying cupcakes and turning into proper chocolate.

Mrs. Plummy Pants frowns before smiling again, "What's bad about pink?" Mrs. Plummy Pants asks with a disgustingly sweet smile. Eurgh, she's wearing a way too red lipstick.

**She's ugly… What are you doing here?**

_**Cynthia… you're my bloody mind… why the heck do you not know?**_

**Minds deserve a break too, okay?**

_**Yah... whatever…**_ _**cause McGonagall thinks I need mental help… Darn!**_

**She's supposed to be your therapist?**

_**Pretty much… yah…**_

**Wow, I never thought I'd say this but she's more mental then you!**

_**Thanks**_

**About that Plum lady, she should go Goth.**

_**That's a great idea.**_

**Of course it is, It's my idea.**

_**Hmph… my ideas are good too.**_

**Yeah, right.**

_**Growl…**_

"Darling, sweetie are you okay?" Mrs. Plummy Pants questions with a fake concern bubble of sweet evilness.

"No, I just realized that I have a scroll of potions to finish and I can't seem to find my glittery pink ink or my cupcake scented quill!" I exclaim with pure horror that was so fake only pink sweatered glittery ladies that smell like polar bear cupcakes of evilness that are inferior to penguins wouldn't notice.

"Oh poor dearie," Mrs. Plummy Pants cooes, "You're not crazy! Just misunderstood! I'll tell your rude teacher how sweet you really are!" She bounces up and skips away.

**That actually worked…**

_**Yupeedoodle**_

**Your troubles aren't over yet**

_**WHAT! THAT AIN'T TRUE! I'M FREE**_

**Look behind you.**

_**Why?**_

**Just do it, alright?**

I whirled around. I was met with darkness. Oh, and a weird old castle smell. Plus, I saw a bunch of spiders wiggling around. Eurgh. Ooooh, and three angry but good looking boys running toward me. Well, I'm flattered. Woah, they look a bit like the Marauders, don't they Cynthia?

**Run!**

_**Huh?**_

**There are three extremely muscular and pretty darn angry guys running at you with their wands out that you offended last week,**

_**Oh.**_

I scream as loud as I could, which is by the way loud enough to break the glitteriest monkey's left eardrum. Then I start running. So then I continue running. My feet hurt. I should so work out more often. I mean I could finally use those look-good-while-working-out, outfit Aunt Lithia send me. Oh look they are catching up to me. I suppose it is time to use my running-from-mad-monkeys-and-avoiding-rotten-bananas technique of running.

**Sirius's POV**

I widen my eyes. That girl was crazy. She was spinning around, waving her arms, and still running meanwhile shrieking something like, "Pot the hippos." That thing was a dangerous hazard to the school.

"Are you sure she was sane enough to pretend to be Bellatrix realistically?" I gasped for breath.

"Yes," Remus replied.

Oh that sounded weird. It was total alliteration. Remus replied. No, that wasn't good enough. Wait, I got it! Remus replied rambunctiously! Oh that was hilarious!

"Okay I've got it!" James suddenly yelled, "Remus, you enter the left hallway. Sirius, you follow her and I'm taking the right corridor. We'll corner her."

We both nod. Remus and James leave, and I run. Watching my feet move fast is fun. It's like this bur of feet. It reminds me of polar bears. I like polar bears. Doom to those awful penguins if you ask me!

We were cornering her. She had no way to run. The girl was trapped at the end of the hallway. We stopped gasping for our breath that had ran away during the chase. She would be king of pretty if it wasn't for the mad look in her eyes and the Bellatrix thing.

Her thin creamy fingers ran through her hair. Her bright blue eyes darted around filled with concern. I might snog her if she didn't resemble a penguin. Oh and she did. Well a pretty crazy penguin.

"We've gotcha!" James declared finally managing to catch his runaway breath. The girl looked at him and replied,

"Err… No, you don't."

James looked quite miffed at that. He ruffled up his feathers, like a peacock. Oh I was so sure that he would be one when we're… you know. I would be a polar bear of course. Peter would be a mouse or something rodent like.

"Yes, I do!" James argued.

The girl looked at each of us with a sly grin on her pretty penguin face.

"Are you sure?" She inquired.

Oh James don't say yes! I know she has something up her beak. That penguin ook gives me the shivers. I know that the best course of action when meeting penguins are too slowly back away and then run away screaming.\

"Yes!" James answered. Oh no.

"Well…" She grinned, "I have somehow found your lucky snitch and I'm hiding it. I found Remus's stash of chocolate and I'm keeping it. Oh, and Sirius's hair comb and I'm burning it!"

!

**Sandra's POV**

I grin in a very evil way that actually made some polar bear stomp in a fearful way look un-scary. In all truth, I did fina a snitch but not his, I found a diary but not Remus's, but I did fing a hair comb that belonged to Sirius. Hey, I had to lie. I deserved the lie-and-don't-get-scolded!

It isn't fair. Not fair at all to poor me. My turn to run so goodbye my fellow Gryffindors. So I run very fasty in a speedy way in order to avoid a very meany pantsy jerk face. Merlin curse long legs. Why does Nutty Vase have long legs. SSuch a fast runner person too. Argh. Merlin curse my luck. Or more of my lack of it.

Yeah that pretty much summarizes it.

Then the most amazing thing ever happened. The polar bear looking Sir Eat-a-lot fell on his muscular knees and started bowing to yours truly. I mean I was so honored. Then the weirdest thing happened.

"Oh give it back!" He pleaded. Well not that weird part.

"I'll even marry you!" Sirius begged, "Anything!"

**Look he proposed to you.**

_**Cynthia. I think he's crazy.**_

**I know he's crazy.**

_**Are you a brainbot?**_

**Excuse me!**

_**You know those mental things that take over minds?**_

**No.**

**Er… _ POV**

A femine voice broke the silence.

"Are you sure?" She asked hoarsely.

The girl lied limply on the white sheets. Her face was smeared with ashes and her breath riddled with sickness.

"I'm sure," Another voice replied, "How else could we survive?"

The boy who answered the girl held his wand aloft, glaring into the darkness. Another figure stepped out. The girl screamed and the boy stepped back already taking charge.

"Mione, make sure they stay asleep, I'll deal with him." The man yelled.

The girl nodded weakly, terror apparent on her face.

**Wait a second! What does that got to do with anything? You'll see… **

**I am so sorry for not updating! School was out to murder me and I had no spare time! So I finished it today making it extra long! Please forgive me. The last part is only a little part of the story! Don't runaway! It is going to be a humorous story not a dark one! Thank you so much for reviewing! **

**Sandra: Why do they laugh at my life story?**

**Lady Tia Malfoy: Who told you that?**

**Sandra: I didn't look at the reviews at memorize them word by word like you told me not to or anything!**

**Lady Tia Malfoy: Grrr…**

**Excuse me while I go chase the penguin girl, thank you!**


End file.
